January 17, 2012 Subject:
You're Not Alone Guardiana
Who is the dude in the black jersey with a number on it reflected in her sunglasses?
July 15, 2010 Subject:
It's like a failed Marvel Comics idea
Yup, phallic supernatural gadgets, superpowers, day-saving, trash can lid shields, ground beef, this film's got it all! Some things exist solely for us mortal humans to ridicule: Plan 9 From Outer Space, bad commercials, the career of David Spade, this film has a special space on many a bad film afficionado's hard drive. If you haven't riffed it or seen it riffed, you're missing out on some fantastically bad edutainment.
I am amazed this was never shown to me amid the other trippy 70's safety features I was tormented with in school. While the idea is a hoot, it does move a bit too slow for the cheese to be ripe, especially in the overlong origin scene with the chipmunk-voiced aliens (which just serve to grate instead). But once we get to Guardiana, things generally pick up, especially because she spends more time on lecturing kids about how they are going to DIE in their homes of some horrible accident rather than using her superpowers, which can alter the flow of time. Oh, and Guardiana sure misses a lot of more practical safety tips (like when she puts a gun back in a location children would have access to!) while going on her spiels of how people could die tripping over toys and other sleep-inducing rants.
But I'll bet this video got shipped out with the full Guardiana activity set, complete with mind-numbing safety busy work for it's captive audience of schoolchildren. The true pity must be for them.
Edited in Jan 5, 2010: For those that aren't aware, the inimitable RiffTrax has covered this film and all of its glory.
Obviously wanting to plug into the 'Wonderwoman' craze at the time, with theme music reminiscent of 'The Hulk', this is 1970s superhero but with 1000th of the budget. With so many kids being injured or dying from accidents, then and today, I suppose every avenue has to be tried. It might have resonated with someone!!! Perhaps!!!
Note the scene where Karen walks with the little girl and has her hand on her shoulder Why does this cause so much consternation today? What have we become?
Thirty years later smile at the story of a meek mannered architect transformed by chipmunk aliens into . . . . . 'Safety Woman'!!
March 8, 2006 Subject:
A very real and present danger has been left out of this quintessential 70s "safety" film- It has been learned that the passage of "Soda" or "Pop" or any variant of carbonated beverages through one's sinuses or any other part of the respiratory tract could be, in some way, well, dangerous.
I recommend everyone download this film. It's a must see. You'll get to see Guardiana in her civilian clothes, presumably in the early AM, contemplating the finer points of safety as she enjoys ceral, toast, milk, juice and other parts of a nutritious breakfast. I'm convinced she's constipated. Next: Pay close attention to the warnings concerning electrical safety. Someone attempts to plug in an appliance who's cord appears to have been used to tow a car.
January 20, 2006 Subject:
Dated & cheaply made safety film
This children's safety film is obviously dated, but the low budget shows in the mediocre results. Some of the other reviewers brought out good points; before making the hamburger, the boy should have washed his hands, and the girl climbing the ladder should have had someone assisting her.
January 19, 2006 Subject:
Bless this film for its crappiness
This is one of the few times, even for low-grade instructional productions, where it appears the main character was dressed from some place even CHEAPER than a low-grade thrift store - I mean, a plastic garbage can lid as a shield? Okay...It's just incredibly cheap production all around, and the editing is such that I wonder if this was meant to be a longer feature with a lot more kids and they simply ran out of money once they figured out the impossibly tedious "chipmunk alien as manifested by a round fluorescent bulb" scene soaked up 50% of their film stock and budget. The acting performances are universally bad, but I suppose guardiana is to be commended for managing to wear that costume and do the danger dodger salute without either laughing or crying.
Bonus points: Look for the film crew to be reflected occasionally in guardiana's $3 sunglasses.
The BLATANTLY unsafe fan (how much of your hand do you want to lose today?)
The rather poor and often unrelated advice of guardiana. The "really long fall" girl's problem wasn't so much the ladder as it was she was trying to do it by herself. A longer ladder would have been even more dangerous in several ways. And what did that have to do with a kid who was playing with a gun? Come on!
Reviewer:Robot Mike -
December 23, 2005 Subject:
Aaaa-ware. Aaaa-lert. Aaaaaaa-live...
The cheese meter is off the map on this one. It's got it all--poor acting, improvised costuming, and some pretty lame special effects. The alien transformation sequence is the best part of the movie--ridiculously long and therefore hilarious. Well worth the download!
PS. Check out the "super burger" kid; after dashing in from playing outside, he grabs some raw burger meat, and doesn't even wash his hands. Safety indeed...
April 4, 2005 Subject:
GUARDIANA is silvery . . .
This is a "superhero" film in the style of the horrendous Filmation SHAZAM and ISIS shows from the 1970's, only with a much lower budget, which probably means it cost a negative number of dollars to produce. Dialogue and plot are so bad, it appears someone was trying to be awful on purpose - but who knows. There's a wonky flying saucer and a hilarious fast-motion alien voiceover during the origin sequence. The lady who plays the "freelance architect, part-time crossing guard, very special kind of woman" (according to the narrator) secret identity of GUARDIANA, wears high heels when she's doing crossing guard duties. She exhibits creepy friendliness to a young girl. This is a pretty cool film.
Reviewer:Scott Bot -
October 8, 2004 Subject:
Here I come to save the day!
A mild-mannered architect becomes Safety Woman when danger lurks for children, apparently raiding ABBA's wardrobe on the way. First, a boy making hamburgers (who keeps mumbling something about a "Super Burger") starts a small fire, but Guardania is there to save the day (and yell at him.) Then, she hears another boy who finds a gun, and she is magically whisked away to save the day for him. (If he was smart enough to take the door off a refrigerator to prevent suffocation, I would think he would be safe with a gun.) I didn't catch whether the aliens wanted her to help just the kids in her neighborhood, or the world. If it was the world, that lady would be very busy.
Watch for the big screen adaption coming out in the summer of 2005, with Angelina Jolie as Guardania.
The film must have been very popular at one time, as I often see people using the Danger Dodger salute, particularly when I drive in rush hour traffic. They aren't using all three fingers, though...
Okay, let me see if I get the premise: The Chipmunks in a spaceship give powers to keep children safe to a woman whose costume consists of a plastic garbage can lid, a suit from the Village People wardrobe collection, sunglasses, a scarf, and an adult toy? To quote Joel from MST3K, Oscar Wilde only wished he were this gay. I'm waiting for Guardiana to team up with Mr. B Natural. This one's pure cheese, and I like cheese! I'd give it three thumbs up if I had a third thumb.
June 21, 2004 Subject:
Do you know thr Danger Dodger saltute?
While I am sure I'll enjoy the other Guardiana film equally, this is too much of a pip. A mild mannered lady gets into contact with some high pitched space aliens and turns into GUARDIANA!! Safety woman!! This PREPOSTEROUS film just can't get more ridiculous. A kid makes hamburgers and starts a small stove fire. The kid yells unconvingly, and the woman with a snap of her fingers and a weird wave turns into guardiana with a weird torch and a plastic garbage lid cover, comes to save the day with a bit of a lecture and some safety tips. She also saves a kid who discovers a gun ("It wasn't loaded!") and a falling kid with the slowest falling time of a plant ever seen.
All of this is too weird, too funny, and is TOTAL required viewing.. a MUST SEE ON THIS SITE! One of the best films I've seen here.
September 17, 2003 Subject:
near-Ed Wood qualities make this an ultra-classic
It's hard to tell from watching "Safety: Harm Hides at Home" how far the makers' tongues were planted in cheek. Aside from the aforementioned flying-hubcap special effects in the film, "Guardiana"'s agonizingly long alien-initiation flashback brings this film amazingly close to Sun Ra Arkestra territory, and the costume she wears fits with that assessment, too. "Stiff" doesn't begin to describe the acting by everyone in the film; there's a particularly hallucinatory quality to the mise en scene, and one is left with the realization that home accidents are not such a concern, at all, because as soon as one happens, Guardiana will magically appear to avert disaster. Sure, she admits that she "can't be everywhere at once", but I'm not buying it. I'm thrilled that children can actually be as reckless as they want and it will all probably come out OK. One of my very favorite Prelinger finds.